


Learning

by nenela16



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Personal story, i just wanted to write a bit of myself, i see myself in even a lot so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 14:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8847841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nenela16/pseuds/nenela16
Summary: Even is learning and Isak is there to keep him grounded.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated to my group of Skam. We just know each other for a few weeks but basically you guys inspired me to write this so thank you. And keep being amazing.
> 
> Hi. So I have been watching this show Skam and I got really inspired by Season 3.  
> I identify a lot with Even. I suffer from clinical depression and self harm, so I know what is like to try to hide your illness from the one you love and to just try to not be seen as your illness.  
> In this story I wrote a side of my story, with the self harm and all that (i know Even doesn't do that in Skam). This story was hard to right in the sense that I had to remember a lot of feelings I thought I forgot. They are still very present in my head.  
> Don't let anybody define you because of you illness, don't let anybody control you because they think you can handle yourself. Your dreams and feelings are valid. 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes.

When he was alone was when the dark thoughts started to creep in, when he was lying in bed in his house, when he was letting the water of the shower drip over his shoulders, when he was sitting in a coffee shop just waiting for Svein to stop by. When he was alone in his mind that's when he was scared of himself.  
  
He always tried to be strong, to be brave enough to be able to stop them but he never felt strong. Thoughts of death, drowning, loneliness, suffocating filled his head. Even always thought he was going to end up alone because no matter who he was with that's how he always felt. At one point in his life he got used to it and accepted it, which now that you think about it is quite sad but for life to be an epic story there needs to be pain and he was willing to endure it. Being a teenager with a mental illness was already a good beginning for his story but if you finish it with an epic loss then you have something worth your time.  
  
Psychopath, crazy, demented, insane... he has heard every single one. He knew deep inside that he wasn't any of those but when you hear something over and over again you start believing it yourself. And even more coming from one the persons you loved the most. Ann. She was his sun, she was at one point everything to Even until he told her the truth and then everything changed. Like always did.  
  
Don't do this, don't drink that, don't read this. Every day was a battle on what he could do and couldn't and to be honest it was exhausting. Ann became controlling, not only on what Even could do but even what he could think or feel. Even wasn't Even anymore. Even became a nobody that he didn't even recognize.  
  
He stayed because they always taught him that you stay by the side of the person that was next you when you were at you lowest and your highest, and she was. Oh she was. She stroked his hair when he was depressed, she danced with him when he was stoked, she cooked for him when he needed, and she controlled his manic episodes. But she lost herself along the way just like Even. The kisses were just like an automatic reaction just like the I love you's but it would be rude to stop.  
  
Even was everything but mean.  
  
He was always putting himself last. His wellbeing wasn't important unless she was happy, unless she got what she wanted. His feelings didn't count, his dreams didn't count, his tears didn't count, and his laughter didn't count. When she was spilling venom and hurtful words out of her mouth he started thinking on how dark her hair was, how her green eyes would sparkle when she would see the stars, how her skin was so perfectly white, how she was in his dreams. And just then her words meant nothing.  
  
She became his fire.  
  
And he could feel himself burning.  
  
Until he saw his blonde hair; curly and fluffy. His smile with those kissable lips surround it. His beautiful eyes looking at everything but nothing at the same time. Until he saw HIM.  
  
He swore to himself he was dreaming that day, how on earth was someone so beautiful so close to him. He wanted to touch but he knew he couldn't, it was like staring at the most breathtaking painting but you know you couldn't feel the strokes. So he told himself to enjoy the beauty from far away, at least it was enough.  
  
Until it wasn't.  
  
He got close and he touched, he dipped his finger tips and he felt every single stroke of that master piece. And he fell in love with it. He wanted to keep it for himself, not let anybody see it but he knew he was being selfish and was setting the bar high. He knew this will be his epic loss but he was willing to hide himself and his thoughts until the last minute so he could pretend he could be happy.  
  
The kisses were like tiny wishes he wanted to make come true, the soft touches were something he craved every second of his days; the laughter became his favorite sound. And he has never been more scared to say or do something. But like he always did he put himself last. He tried to protect him, protect this incredible masterpiece.  
  
But Isak didn't need protection. He just needed Even.  
  
“You are not alone” Isak's voice was almost a whisper, like he was afraid he was going to scare Even away but his eyes and his hold kept Even right there because at the end of the day that's where he wanted to be.  
  
Isak became his moon.  
  
His dark thoughts didn't stop or the feeling of loneliness disappeared but everything became better, he became stronger because when those eyes were looking at him from across the room or next to him in bed he just wanted to be better. He just wanted to not be ruled by his illness. He wanted to be everything he dreamed he was when he was with Ann; he didn't want to be what she made of him. Isak deserved better.  
  
But Isak let him know every time he could that he didn't see Even as his mental illness, he saw Even as what he saw him the first time: his blonde Elvis. That made Even laugh because no matter what Isak said Even was never trying to be Elvis but for Isak he would be anyone he wanted. He promised himself that he will make everything in his power to never hurt Isak, even if it meant to hurt himself.  
  
Sadly, that's what started happening.  
  
Even has never been more happy to wear sweaters and layers, he needed a way to cover all that was wrong with him. Hiding it from Isak was harder and harder every day, questions would come and go but Even was becoming good at avoiding them or answering with a kiss because he knew Isak's brain will forget what he was saying. Even wasn't proud of himself no matter what the voices in his head were saying.  
  
“Even” He didn't want to listen because he knew that tone of voice from Isak. It meant that he wanted to talk, to talk about serious stuff and serious stuff meant confessions and Even didn't like that. He was scared.  
  
“Yes?” Even avoided Isak's eyes as much as he could but how can you do that when the man of your life is looking at you with a terrified face. He could feel the fear coming out of Isak, it killed him.  
  
“I thought things were better” Isak’s voice was shaky but firm. They were sitting in the living room couch; nobody was in the apartment except them. Isak was far away from him just like he wasn’t prepared for the conversation he just started.  
  
“Things are better” Even smile, corner of his eyes wrinkled and you could see his full set of teeth but you needed to be dumb to believe that that smile was real. His eyes didn’t sparkle.  
  
Isak got up from the couch and took a few steps towards Even; he was hesitant but determined at the same time. Even didn’t know what was going to happen but in his mind he was saying goodbye and trying hard to keep all the memories with Isak; all the kisses and stole glances. Isak took Evens’ hand and made him stand up, touched his cheek and gave him a sad little smile.  
  
He put his hands on Even shoulders and slowly took the sweater he was wearing. Isak’s eyes never left Even’s. He felt exposed, like the first time Isak knew about him being bipolar and he felt scared and happy at the same time because he didn’t have to keep it a secret anymore. He could feel Isak’s finger tips slowly going down his arms until they reached his elbow, he stopped. He lowered his gaze, stared at Even arms.  
  
He promised he would never hurt Isak.  
  
He tried.  
  
Isak looked at Even with his eyes filled with tears and brought one of Even’s arms up and started kissing it. The softest kisses Even has ever experience were now all over his forearm and he felt he didn’t deserve none of them. But weirdly enough it was feeling like each one of the scars that were there was disappearing and it felt liberating. Isak was everything that was good, just like magic.  
  
“It was the only way for me to feel in peace” He tried to explain himself; he tried to explain why his arms were covered with red lines. “I promised myself that I would never hurt you” Even wanted to cry because he felt like crying but he couldn’t, the tears wouldn’t come out so he just kneeled down in front of Isak. Forgiveness.  
  
“The man of my dreams” Isak was next to him now, his hands holding Even face up making him look up at him. “Talk to me, tell me when you are hurting or when you are happy. Tell me when you want to hurt yourself or when you want to dance. Tell me” He kissed Even’s cheek. “This won’t make me hate you or make me want to walk away. I know what it feels like to lose you and I’m not willing to feel that again. Minute by minute remember?”  
  
Crazy  
  
Demented  
  
Psycho  
  
None of those names matter anymore because when the angel in front of you calls you The Man of His Dreams nothing else matters.  
  
Even made sure to let Isak know he knew he loved him. That he knew he was safe and that he could count on him but sometimes it was hard; he wanted to prove to himself that he could do it himself, that he didn’t anybody but what he started to understand is that you need people to live and for your life to be better. It doesn’t make you weak, it only makes you stronger.  
  
Looking in the mirror was easier now, he wasn’t wearing anymore sweaters when he didn’t have to, he felt comfortable enough to take of his shirt while going to bed next to Isak, he felt stronger but every now and then Ann words came back to his head and it was like he could see the flames in front of him setting everything on fire. More than once he woke up cover in sweat but that hand on his chest calming him down made everything okay.  
  
Days passed by and things got stronger. His feelings towards the blonde boy got stronger and he let himself be taking over them, just like a wave but a giant wave. He never felt anything like that before but he wasn’t scared to let himself take away by those feelings because he knew with Isak he became the person he always dreamed. Not a perfect person but a person that makes mistakes and accepts them and tries harder next time.  
  
He was proud of himself.  
  
He didn’t know how things will be in the future but he was hopeful. He tried to take Isak’s advice and try not to think about the future too much or to even think at all but just let things follow their own path. He was willing to try and to do everything for Isak. For himself. He didn’t want to sacrifice himself anymore.  
  
His illness didn’t go away, it never will but he is learning that he deserves love and patience. He is willing to accept it because Isak taught him that he is worth it. He is worth the fight, he is worth the sad days, he is worth the happy days, he is worth the tears, he is worth the laughs, and he is worth of living. And Isak was also so worth it.  
  
He is learning that you don’t need to lose something to have an epic story; he learned that you need someone that is willing to fight and is willing to endure pain so he can become someone better. Not everything needs to be perfect but his conception of perfection is different from everybody else. His perfection is sleeping next to him every night and having breakfast every morning.  
  
“Jeg elsker deg” both said.


End file.
